Thanks for the comments. I'm glad that someone understands and agrees.

Now for more thoughts. This one is about how my real self is overlooked.

I hate it. I mean what else do I have to do for people to see the real me? To make them stop overlooking me?

Remember when I said that not being able to drive is holding me back? If I didn't that's the point I was getting at. Anyway, I told my dad about how I feel that Joel isn't being supportive, how I feel about my life in general. At the end of the conversation, he said that I need to do my part in making things better. I told him I know that and I'm working on it. Then, he said that it's my fault that I'm in this mess. What? Now I didn't ask him what he meant. But I have a feeling it's about the driving thing. So, it's my fault that I wasn't ready to drive when I was a timid young adult who had no one to support me? It's my fault that I didn't get encouragement when I needed it and wanted it? It's my fault that I wasn't ready to drive then, that I'd rather have been safe than sorry? And it's my fault that all these things put me in the rutt that I'm in today? Uh no it's not! How dare you!

See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. My family has always expected me to be the "loser" of the family, therefore they overlook me and never expect me to succeed. They've always seen me as a failure. I have no idea why. I've never failed. I've always persevered and kept going, never gave up. High school is the only thing I've ever given up. As if they've never given up anything. My mom and two aunts were all singers when they were younger. Why did they give up? Maybe because they all had kids and got busy careers? I've got news for you: you can't let those things stop you! You've got to keep going! There are many singers and actors, performers in general, who have kids and hectic jobs and they still keep going with their dream. My family quit. So they need to stop treating me like crap from their high horse!

I wonder though. What exactly did I do to get me into this mess? Why is it my fault? Hmm. Let's analyze this shall we? Maybe it was quitting school? Ok let's say that I did finish school. I would still be scared and not ready to drive, Joel and I would've gotten married right after graduation, and I wouldn't go to college right away due to lack of money and lack of parental support. We would live in the same crappy apartment that we first had together. Everything that happened from then until now would have still happened. Everything would be the same. And I still wouldn't have been ready to drive until right now. The only difference would be that I would have a high school diploma. We would even still live in this trailer. So explain to me why that's my fault? How can you say that a diploma would make all the difference if the person isn't ready to be independent? If they were truly concerned about me, they would help me instead of make random suggestions. They would encourage me. Suggestions and blaming me for things only make me feel worse and less motivated. Diplomas only work when the person is willing for independence. Like I said, I was very young and very scared; I definitely wasn't ready for the real world. I don't see my mistake here.

Needless to say he is my step-dad, he doesn't believe that step-parents have the right to help their step-kids; they're not their responsibility. Yup, he said that. I believe that family is family. You married their mother, you took the kids in, you should help out. I guess family is becoming a rare thing nowadays. More of a state of mind than a real thing.

More of this topic will have to wait. I know I went off topic a little. One thing turned into another. Really, most of my situations are very connected. This may be a common trait when I write about them. More later.

Plugs: Nuttz, jacyhenry

Categories: Family [t], Life [t]

Sorry that you feel that way. I hate that it is that way for you. Like me you seem to have a independence issue. You depend too much on other people for security, just like me. I know I am capable of moving out of my folks house. It is just the scary thoughts of being alone that keep me here. Perhaps if I had a GF to marry I would be able to step out and not be alone in doing it.

What keeps me happy tho is knowing that God has a good plan for my life. And if I will be still and wait for him to set me up then I will be just fine.
» jacyhenry on 2008-05-28 04:11:16

Your step-dad has a weird way of thinking... You want the mother but not the children..
» Nuttz on 2008-05-28 08:45:51

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