I need to use this blog more for my feelings than just daily things. What I do everyday isn't near as important as my feelings. Here it goes.

I don't understand why Joel doesn't try enough. When we were first together, he said we were going to do all sort of things, no matter how little we had. We would work for them. It's common knowledge that if you work hard enough and keep believing that you can achieve anything. Well, here we are now at ages 25 and 26, stuck in the same place we've been in since. Ok, so he does make more money than he did at age 19/20, but that doesn't mean anything if you give up. He did give up. He gave up faith on everything we planned for. Instead of trying, he says we can't afford a house. Ok then save up. Oh wait, we were saving. But what happened to that money? He spent it on a PS3! Yes, one sign of giving up. So, I suggest that we rent a house instead. His reply: "We can't." What the heck? Why not!? He says we can't afford it. If we can afford to rent this dump of a trailer or even an apartment, we can definitely rent a house! I'm tired of this place. That's another story.
The whole point of this is that I'm tired of how Joel doesn't try for things anymore. I don't know what's gotten him to believe this crap about not having enough money. It doesn't matter. Yes, it's a necessity to get things. But in the end money doesn't matter, it only mobilizes you to keep going. All you have to do is keep believing and keep working. Working as in keep going, persevere.

This leads to my other concern: independence.
Joel and I got married when we were 19 and 20. Back then I was too timid to be independent so I was very thankful to have found him. In the past two years, I've broken out of my shell, grew stronger, grew up and am now ready to be independent. Issues within this topic include my own car, acting and getting a job. The only thing keeping me from these things is not having my own car. Why can't he help out? He doesn't want to. He hates sitting at auditions, he doesn't want to drive me around to find a job and the car thing....Ok secret be told, I don't have a license. But really I am angry that he never pushed me or even made me get a car for my own independence. I really don't understand that. Most husbands want their wives to be independent in the world don't they? Anyway... This stemmed from when I was in my timid stage: I was too scared to drive. Now that I'm finally ready to drive, I am left without his help. Now it's as if I've dug a hole because I never learned when I was younger. I need motivation to read the freaking driving manual. The blasted thing has a million rules. He doesn't seem to care whether I drive or not. He's hiding it well if he does. He says he wants me to be happy and do whatever I want. I don't see it.... Ugh whatever. I'll do it all without his help. I'm tired of waiting and watching my life pass everyday. It's very irritating. I mean he doesn't care about my acting, singing, my graphic/web design, or anything else I want to do. He doesn't want to support me. Like he said, if he does care, he's doing a great job at hiding it. And he wonders why I'm unhappy........ Psh........

I don't care how long this is. It's a diary, that's what they're meant for. Sorry if you're annoyed or bored at this point.

To make matters worse, his older brother lives with us. At first his younger brother lived with ever since before we were together. He moved out last August. I thought Joel and I were finally alone. Nope! I was wrong. His older brother decides to stay. Not only him but his friend as well! I am still angry about it. We're married. We don't need people to live with us! Especially after six years of people staying here! It's ridiculous! So there's four people living here: me and my husband, his brother and their friend..... I hate it sooo bad! I can't explain how miserable I am. Talk about Les Miserables. Sheesh.... I think I hear revolution in the distance! -.- I am seriously thinking of staying with my sister for a while. I really want to work this out with Joel. I'd hate for us to fall apart.

I'll finish later.

Categories: Family [t], Life [t]

That sucks! Man.. I hate it them most when people say they can't do something but they can do something else which is quite similar! And, why is his brother staying with you guys? Don't he feel awkward doing that? I mean you are intruding into other people's privacy!
» Nuttz on 2008-05-25 07:10:54

Gosh I hate when family and frineds wanna stay too long or live with you. I know when I have worn my welcome out. Sheesh.

You two gotta get a place all to yourselves.
» jacyhenry on 2008-05-25 08:57:36

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